What To Do When Someone Isn't Choosing You
I invited my favorite Love Doctor here from Good At You again to share some more of her expertise. This time it's about rejection (ouch). We've all been there. I wouldn't be sharing her article if I didn't think it had some profound advice. No matter how you handle dismissal, it can't hurt to learn from the perspective of a dating pro.
So we've all been there before.
Whether it's a person you're dating casually, someone you hardly know, or someone you've been in a relationship with for many years....we've all had the experience of chasing after someone who wasn't really giving us the attention and connection we desired. Perhaps you tried to desperately get attention from that person you had a giant crush on in hopes that they might finally 'see' you and realize how amazing you are. Or perhaps that person you've been dating has felt distant lately and so you find yourself doing things in hopes of getting their attention so you can feel connected to them again. Regardless of what the circumstance is....chasing after someone feels plain old awful! However, the pain we feel isn't because the other person isn't giving us the attention we want. (As much as it feels like that's the reason!) What really creates the pain we're feeling are the negative, limiting beliefs within ourselves -- that have been unconsciously running us all along. It's our unexamined beliefs that are actually responsible for creating our pain. See when we chase after someone, there are some core beliefs that we're unconsciously latching onto that create the strong desire within us to reach for someone who isn't reaching for us. Usually these are beliefs that we don't even realize we have, such as: "I'm not safe without you" "If I lose you no one will ever love me this way again" "I need you to make me feel loved" "I can't do this on my own" or "I need you because no one else will love me" If you really think about it....these kinds of limiting, fearful beliefs are what's at the core of this need to chase. Because we only chase when we feel unsafe. We only chase when we feel we need someone or something to complete us or to feel happy. However instead of chasing after someone to help cover up a feeling of insecurity within yourself -- and relying on others to make you feel whole and complete -- what would be MORE helpful is to do some inner work around the core limiting beliefs themselves. To gut them from the inside out. This is something I work with my clients on in great depth ...as most all of the pain in our lives really stems from these limiting beliefs! When you work on your limiting beliefs and realize that the only reason you were chasing someone was because of insecurities within yourself.....then you're starting to make great progress! When you can lovingly release this idea that someone else can save you and make you feel safe and look at how you can show up more fully for yourself....then you start to take your power back! It's important to look at how you can take more responsibility for where you're at and what you're feeling. Because if you're looking to someone else to make you feel whole and complete....then you're actively diminishing your self-esteem and giving away all of your power. And who wants that?! (Plus, when you're handing your power over to someone else...they can feel it energetically and it usually comes off as needy, clingy and unattractive.) The key is to choose people who choose you. If someone is meant to be in your life -- they will naturally feel connected to you and will naturally want to show up and be there. If you don't feel connected to the person you're dating anymore -- then you probably have something to explore in your relationship with them. However, the person you're meant to be with will be willing to show up and explore whatever issues are coming up! On the other hand, if you're dating someone or are interested in someone and they're not showing up for you or showing much interest --- then the most self honoring act you can do is to lovingly let them go. It doesn't mean they're a 'bad' person. It just means that for whatever reason they're not at a place in their life where they feel connected to you. And that's okay... Why would you want someone in your life who doesn't want to be close to you anyway? Unless, that is, you have those pesky limiting beliefs taking over...in which case you might sacrifice your self-esteem to chase after someone because you think that somehow they might save you or take away all your problems! Again...if that's the case.....the good news is that YOU have the power to dig deep and look at what's really going on underneath the surface for you and turn it all around. It's really about you doing your own inner work. Because once we're in a good, healthy, and balanced place within ourselves...navigating hiccups in relationships becomes SO much easier! If you find yourself chasing after someone...and thinking that 'if only' that person would pick me or show up.....your life would be so much better....then I know you're struggling. I know you're anxious. And I know it sucks. The good news is you don't have to feel this way! (Seriously) If you feel like you can use some help in your dating/relationship world, and are ready to break old, unhealthy patterns that are getting in your way from having the kind of love you want......then feel free to reach out to me. I have a few complimentary 30 minute spots available in my calendar this week to talk with you. There's nothing to sell on this call. Just wanting to learn more about what you're struggling with and seeing if I can help. Lots of love always! Melanie